Harry Potter and Mathematics
by Magic of Minerva
Summary: Harry Potter and Subjects Series.Poor Harry and the stupid Dudley is tortured in their math class, find out how! These stories are really funny and is guaranteed to provide some good laugh.
1. Scene 1: Stupid Pills

Scene 1

Poor Harry pleaded desperately: "Sir, please, I still don't get it!"

His math teacher sighted: "Well, well, well. A fraction is a way to write numbers. Take 1/4, for instance. The denominator 4 represents how many pieces a number is divided into, and the numerator 1 represent how many pieces there are."

Harry stared thoughtfully for a while: " But, sir, I still don't get it." He said innocently.

The math teacher had had enough: " Potter, how many stupid pills did you take today?"

Harry is really confused now: " is that a question?"

"No. I just wanted to test if you can count."


	2. Scene 2:Concerning Singing

Scene 2

"Da, la, la, laaaa…" Harry hummed happily during a Math lesson.

His teacher looked up: "Who's moaning in pain?"

Dudley and his mates let out a soar of laughter. Harry was so embarrassed. This is not the first time he publicly.

"But…" Harry said nervously: "I… I am in the choir!"

"Oh, really," the math teacher despised: "They obviously are desperately short of talent."


	3. Scene 3: Naming

Scene 3

The math teacher looked at Harry sympathetically: "You useless child."

Harry was almost in tears: "Sir, I am really confused!"

" 'Confused' is your middle name, Potter." The math teacher said sarcastically.

The class gave a soar of laughter.

"Sir," He pleaded desperately: "I really don't get it!"

"Your first child will be called 'I don't get it'! The second 'I'm confused." The fiftieth 'I finally got it. The fifty-first 'I got it wrong."


	4. Scene 4: Life after death

Scene 4

Harry walked into the Math Class: "Morning, sir."

The teacher ignored his completely

He tried again: "Morning, Sir!"

Still, no response.

"MORNING, SIR!"

He was still ignored. Harry finally gave up.

They got their test back. The teacher walked to Harry:" Oh, Potter. Oh, no. twenty out of fourty five."

"But Dudley got ten."Harry Challenged.

"Potter," His math teacher said impatiently:"How many Stupid Pills did you take today?"

"I took Mr Kelly (the teacher's name) brand." Harry relied innocently.

"You know what, dreadful child."The teacher said calmly: "You will suffer a very painful death."

Suddenly, Harry asked: "Sir, do you beleive in life after death?"

His math teacher said curtly:"As long as you're not there."


	5. Scene 5: Shells

Scene 5

"Oh, Potter." The Math teacher said sadly, as Harry got the fifth sum wrong: " Your head is just a shell."

"Like a coconut shell, perhaps?" Harry asked innocently, thinking of the large capacity of a coconut.

"Yeah, something like that." The math teacher replied.

But, seeing the smile on Harry's face, he quickly added: "The only difference is, you head is completely hollow."


	6. Scene 6: Population

Scene 6

The Math teacher looked gravely: "Potter, please promise me, that you will not have any children in the future."

"Why?" Harry asked innocently, completely lose.

"Well," the math teacher continued, "Because you poor kids will all be as stupid as you are, and as you might know, our planet is already over-populated with stupid. Please do not add any more of them to roam around the world.


	7. Scene 7: Talent

Scene 7

"Potter!" his Math teacher demanded: "Why can't you get it right?"

"Because I don't get it!" Harry replied.

"No." the teacher said gravely: "Because you'll need talent to do it. On a talent scale of 1 to 20, you stand, I regret to say, at zero."

"And you're minus 20, off the scale." Harry muttered.


	8. Scene 8: Revenge

Scene 8

Harry is going to seek revenge:

"Sir, what is the right answer for question 5?" Harry sang merrily.

"Potter. What are you doing?"

"I just asked you a question," Harry replied, "Your Honor." He added sarcastically.

"Oh, the answer is 0.15." the teacher replied, "How many stupid pills did you take today?"

Harry bowed deeply before answering: "As many as your IQ, sir."

"The you did get overdosed."

Harry looked serious: "Of course. I wrote the Math textbook. That is how stupid I am."


	9. Scene 9: Pictures and Words

Scene

"Potter! Why did you get zero for that worksheet?"

"Sir, I never knew we had to that page for homework. Dudley told me it was another page."

"No, Potter. Dudley did not misinform you. You were simply chatting too much and wasn't listening in class."

"But, sir…" Harry Begged.

"Silence, Potter. How can I punish you?" The math teacher paused, "Oh, Yes. Write me an 2000 word essay titled: Why I must no talk in Mr. Kelly's Class." He smiled evilly: " And hand it in by the end of the lesson."

Harry looked desperate, but to the teacher's great surprise, he smiled a little and didn't complain until the end if the lesson.

By the end of the lesson, Harry simply handed him two comics.

"What is this?" the teacher demanded, staring at two stick figures that greatly resembled himself.

"Well," Harry replied happily: "You asked for two thousand words. Isn't there a saying that goes: 'Pictures say a thousand words?"


	10. Scene 10

This is a scene in the math classroom between Harry and Dudley.

They are doing some basic algebra, and Dudley has absolutely no idea what's going on. Harry simply watched him struggle.

"How do we do this, Potter?" Demanded Dudley.

"Well…" Harry had no choice but to reply because he felt the teacher's evil little eyes staring at him: "you follow the order of operations, -1 times –5 equals 5…"

"But I don't even know how to do integers!" Dudley exclaimed angrily.

"Well, Dudders," said Harry sarcastically, "You have spent the most of last term dreaming, and my heart pumps custard for you."


	11. Scene 11: Knowledge is Power

Scene 11: Knowledge is Power

Dudley: "Why must we learn Math?"

Math teacher: "Because Math is knowledge, and knowledge is power."

Harry: "Knowledge corrupts!"

Dudley: "Therefore, knowledge corrupts, and Math corrupts."

... ... ... ... ... ...

Math teacher: "Dudley! You know what you wrote on you last math paper?"

Harry: " 'Refer to memo?'"

Math Teacher: "No, that was last time. This time he wrote: 'My answers are under the rock' and he drew a rock."

Harry: "What did you write, sir?"

* * *

Author's Note: Can anyone guess what the Math teacher wrote? I've decided to write a _Harry Potter and Subjects Series_, and the _History_ Part is coming soon! It will be as funny as this one. Enjoy and tell me how you think about them!


	12. Scene 12:Rocks and 'Clearly'

Scene 12: Clearly

Dudley wrote: 'My answers are under the rock.'

The Math teacher wrote: 'So are your marks.'

As you might imagine, Harry and the rest of the class start laughing.

"Potter!" the teacher exclaimed, "You are not that good at reading instructions. I said 'to show clearly' and you did not have any working outs!"

Harry: "Sir, I thought 'clearly' meant not to show all the steps in between."


	13. Scene 13: Math or War Hero

Math or Hero

"I can't believe how stupid students can be." The very irritated history teacher complained in the office.

"What happened?" Asked the Math teacher.'

"So, this kid in your math class, Potter, did not know what General Calculus was."

"And what does that have to do with history? He should have asked me."

"Well, Dudley Dursley thought it was the name of a Greek or Roman War Hero…"


	14. scene 14: Topology and Reality

Topology and Reality

"Sir," Dudley asked thoughtfully in the Math class, "What is a topologist?"

"Topology is the study of geometric properties and spatial relations unaffected by the continuous change of shape or size of figures." Answered the Math teacher proudly.

"So, in other words, it is someone that cannot distinguish the difference between a teacup and a doughnut." Explained Harry to his apparently confused cousin.


	15. Scene 15: 10Q and Thank you

10 Q and Thank you

"Today, we will do some simple algebra," Declared the Math teacher enthusiastically, "Okay, who's ready to answer my first question?"

Dudley: "I am! I am!"

'God save us this time.' Thought Harry along with most of the other more intelligent people in the class.

"Right, Dursely." The Math teacher begun joyfully, "What is 3Q plus 7Q?"

There was along silence, while the class waited and Dudley's face tuned the colour of a tomato. Eventually, he managed to say: "10Q?"

To everyone's surprise, the Math teacher replied: "_You're Welcome_."

'That guy definitely needs a hearing aid,' thought Harry, poundering the difference between '10 Q' and 'Thank you'.


	16. Scene 16: Lost in Thought

Lost in Thought

"Sir?" Asked Harry politely, "what is the answer for problem 21?"

No reply.

"Excuse me sir," Harry tried again, "Can you explain this to me?"

Still the same echoing silence…

Before Harry made his third attempt, Dudley already yelled at the top of his gigantic lungs: "SIR!!!"

As you might imagine, the Math teacher jerked up his head immediately: "Yes, you have a question, Dursely and Potter? Please excuse me, I was lost in thought."

"Then you've find yourself in a rather unfamiliar territory," muttered Harry to himself.


	17. Scene 17: AlGebra

**Al-Gebra**

**Author's Note**: Anyone who boarded a plane from JFK after Christmas probably all noticed how tight the security checks were, this one is just one of the many funny exaggerations...

Disclaimer: I own very little, pretty much nothing besides the _delightful_ Math Teacher :)!

* * *

"How was your trip to New York?" Asked Harry casually after the math teacher just got back, looking especially grumpy.

"Weren't you supposed to be back yesterday?" Asked Dudley, "What happened?"

"That Is Quite Enough, Now Shut It!" The Math teacher finally exploded, and tossed them a copy of yesterday's New York Times, and on the front page, was an article with their teacher photo blazing in rage…

_New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.  According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction…_


	18. Scene 18: Lumberjacks

Dudley, who wants to copy his homework assignment, once again pesters poor Harry. Harry hesitates, not only because he thinks it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to be sanctioned by that ruthless teacher for aiding and abetting.

Dudley tries to calms him down by attempting to be reassuring: "Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: _a_ to _b_, _x_ to _y_, and so on."

Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone and faring the wrath of his aunt and uncle if he still refused, Harry hands his completed assignment to Dudley for copying.

After the deadline, Harry asked: "Did you _really_ change the names of _all_ the variables?"

"Sure!" Dudley replied. "When you called a function _f(x)_, I called it _g(x)_; when you called a variable _x_, I renamed it to _y_; and when you were writing about the log of _x_+1, I called it the timber of _x_+1..."


End file.
